I've been a bad bad girl
~Oh, gods, how could this have happened?~ Things had seemed to be going so much better between her and Heero, even with the appearance of the two strange Elders, for a while anyway. But now... She impatiently and roughly wiped her arm across her eyes, wiping the tears before they could flow. ~I love him... hai, that's true... but I don't understand him. I can't be what he needs to me be unless I can understand him.~
I've been careless with a delicate man
She glanced out her window in time to catch the sound of metal clashing against metal. ~Looks like Oneesan and Heero are at it again.~ Lately, these matches were more like friendly sparring matches than the killing matches they had started off as, but if either caught her thinking that, they would try to kill each other just to prove they weren't connected, friendly or otherwise.
Her breath caught in her throat as Oneesan took a particularly vicious swing at Heero; he dodged at the last second, and she let the breath go. He was still no match for the Elder Goddess's speed, but he made up for it in other arenas. He was definitely stronger and quite a bit trickier. She nearly choked on the air she'd been taking in when he pushed the Elder Goddess off balance and she landed in a very undignified sprawl on the ground, glaring at Heero evilly enough to put him in an early grave. She swept his legs out from under him, and he landed beside her; Oneesan burst out laughing at the indignant look on the Japanese young man's face.
And it's a sad sad world
~They look kind of good together.~
'Don't you think she's a little old for him?'
That voice again... She had to admit she recognized it; Hekate was never going to leave her, it seemed. It was just as well; she and the dark goddess understood each other, in a weird way, and in the days since they'd remerged into one being, Hekate had mellowed out quite a bit. Now she was like a comforting presence in her mind. After all, they both wanted Heero, but unlike Hekate, Usagi understood he...
~No!!! I can't just give up like that! It was all going good till then! Till... I saw... him... holding Oneesan.~ And all she wanted to do was cry - at least until Aya-kun had spoken to Oneesan, his voice so cold and yet furious, and by the expression on her face, Oneesan had been cut to the quick. She hadn't expected to feel sorry for the Elder Goddess, but it was a quickly passing emotion, before she too turned and silently walked out of the room.
When a girl will break a boy
She watched silently as the Elder Goddess and Heero climbed to their feet. Oneesan was still chuckling, and even Heero looked vaguely amused as they both assumed defensive positions again. So was it as innocent as they claimed after all, she absently pondered. Either way, there certainly wasn't a bit of passion other than for battle visible in either's eyes.
She started as she heard a voice - no! two voices! - on the other side of the door. One was deep and playful, the other softer and serious and decidedly feminine, Duo and Hotaru. Whatever Hotaru was saying was apparently some great source of amusement for Duo; he was laughing so hard she had to wonder if he was turning blue on the other side of the wood. ~Everyone is so happy,~ she thought to herself with a faint smile, turning back to the spar outside, even opening the window this time and sitting on the sill, ignoring the chill in the air.
Just because she can
Oneesan deflected Heero's sword and leapt back to avoid his follow-up, just as quickly moving back in to try an attack on him. Part of the way there, she froze in mid-stride, lowering her short sword, a pained look on her face. Usagi followed her line of sight to see Aya-kun across the compound. The redhead was leaning against one of the pillars that surrounded the courtyard, looking anywhere but at her. The Elder Goddess didn't even seem to notice as Heero knocked the sword from her numb fingers and leveled his practice sword at her throat; her eyes and full attention were on the Elder God across the courtyard. Aya-kun's amethyst eyes locked on Usagi sitting in the window, and a faint smile lifted the corners of his lips
Blue eyes turned and locked on Usagi, a raw and pained expression in them, her face a mask of despair. She opened her mouth as if to say something, shook her head, and ran past Heero, into the woods beyond the compound, leaving her sword in the ground behind her at Heero's feet. Only Usagi saw both Heero and Aya-kun start to follow her but neither actually follow through.
Don't you tell me to deny it
She faintly heard Donguri screech angrily at her before flapping out into the woods after his mistress. Without stopping to think (if she did, she'd surely change her mind), she hopped down from the window and followed the bird.
It was strange. She hadn't been in these woods since she'd followed Heero on his way to fight Relena. Everything had changed since then. As a low-hanging branch slapped across her face, she had to admit to herself that it may not have all been a change for the better. And honestly, a great deal of it was her fault.
I've done wrong
After all, wasn't she as Hekate who had ruined the chance frothier relationship to start off normally? Hadn't she treated him horribly? Hadn't she been careless with his newfound feelings?
And hadn't she blamed him for everything, not even giving him a chance to explain, let the demon that had been Relena possess him, given him up without a fight, turned to Duo after one argument, didn't make her choice between the two of them until it was almost too late, walked away from him without giving him a chance to explain?
And I want to suffer for my sins
How could she possibly begin to deserve someone like Heero? Oneesan, on the other hand... well, she was brave and a wonderful fighter. Sure, she was ancient, but she'd seen things and done things that put that same guilty expression in her eyes in unguarded moments that she sometimes saw in Heero's eyes as well. They were so much alike and, after the initial fights, got along well, not at all like herself and Heero.
No matter how much she loved him, she couldn't understand everything he'd been through. The war, the battles, Relena... she understood on a practical level, as Hyperion-tousama had taught her to do, but emotionally it was all beyond her. Somehow, she was sure Oneesan understood him and could help him get over that pain she sometimes saw when he looked at children.
I've come to you
Run as she might, she lost sight of the black bird once in the trees, and after looking for as long as she dared, she returned to Quatre's compound, heading back in through the courtyard. Heero was nowhere in sight, but Aya-kun still leaned against the column. He looked like he hadn't moved in all the time she'd been gone.
~Is Oneesan... jealous of me because of Aya-kun? Demo...
being around Aya-kun is like having an anikun. I don't like
him like... that, like I think she does.~
'But does she know that?' came that reassuring voice in the back of her mind. 'Have you ever let her know that? All she knows is that we're always with the man she loves.' A deep sigh. 'I'd hate me too.'
'Cause I need guidance to be true
"I didn't find her," she stated, her small voice breaking the silence prevailing over the courtyard.
~Aya-nikun is still angry at her,~ she thought
to herself. ~There has to be something there for him to be so angry.~
'Or he trusted her and he feels betrayed.'
~Either way, there's something there. Aya-nikun wouldn't trust her for no reason.~
'You're starting to figure it now, Usagi.'
She slowly walked across the courtyard and set a gentle hand on the soft material of the jacket covering his arms, smiling as sweetly as she could up at him. "She'll be fine. She can take care of herself, and she'll be back soon. She didn't take a jacket with her, and it's going to get cold tonight."
"That won't matter to her."
And I just don't know where I can begin
She felt a figure brush past her, and turning, she saw it was Heero carrying a duffel bag. She recognized it; when she'd run into him shortly after the Christmas War, he'd been carrying it. Only to herself, she smiled; Hyperion-tousama had been quick to disappear when she'd called ahead to say she was bringing Heero Yuy home with her. But why was he carrying it now?
"Heero?" she asked, turning to face him.
"I'm just going out to find Anechan." Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Aya-nikun raise an eyebrow at the much more familiar term Heero had adopted for Oneesan.
What I need is a good defense
"'Anechan'?" she echoed.
"Hai. Like you said, it's going to be cold tonight. The radio said it might even snow." He shrugged the pack back onto his shoulder where it had been slipping. "I'll either bring her back or give her her jacket." He pushed past them with a muttered "Excuse me."
Only after he'd left the courtyard did she realize he hadn't looked her in the eye once the entire conversation.
'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal
"Heero?" she called, running to the edge of the courtyard after him. He glanced back over his shoulder, the window blowing his hair into hiding his eyes. "You...will... be coming back, right?"
She could have sworn she saw a shiver pass through his body, but when he spoke and his voice was its usual monotone, she wrote it off to the cold. "Hai. I'll be coming back this time."
~This time? Does that mean you won't come back the next time
you leave, Heero?~
'Please don't do this to us, Heero-sama!'
And I need to be redeemed
"Heero?" she called once more.
"What?" She winced at the abruptness of his tone, glad he still had his back to her and did not see that small expression.
"Can I help you?"
"I can find her on my own. I don't need any help."
"But can I go with you anyway?"
"No." He walked away without looking back. She bit her lip, watching him go in silence.
To the one I've sinned against
Heero resisted the urge to glance over his shoulder. He wasn't too sure, but he knew he'd lose his resolve if he saw her face. He knew he'd hurt her, maybe even bad this time. Gomen ne, Usagi, but it's for your own good. Even with the demon gone, I'm still not good enough for you. Aya-san can treat you better than I can. I don't like hurting you like this, but I love you too much to risk hurting you later. You're just a difficult girl to push away.
You just deserve a lot better than a murdering bastard like me.
Because he's all I ever knew of love
27 June 2001
And here's the first part of the side-story. Yepperz, this is a huge fic, but bear with us, because it's really good!