Why won't the words ever come out when I'm around you?
I'd like to say your perfect beauty holds them inside me.
I'm a liar.
True that it has something to do with your beauty, but it's never done anything to silence me. To the contrary, I'm at my most vocal when I'm around you. Sometimes, when we're even near each other, you drive me so crazy, I'm unsure if I want to kill you or kiss you.
I'm not sure even now.
You bring out something about me that almost scares me, because I didn't know it was in me. This (I shudder as I think the word) nice person that you found inside me somehow and have worked tirelessly to bring out.
Do you know what you've done to me, angel? I'm a totally different man from the guy you first met, and really it's all your fault. No one else has noticed it yet, and I'd like to keep it that way. You created this new me, so. . .
* * *
You're watching me again. I don't have to look over my shoulder to see it; I know you're there. You've always been there, watching over me, looking after me; you're with me when I need you.
When I need you. . .
Gods, how I need you! You're my pillar of strength, the only thing that has held me together this long. And I love you so much for it.
But that's our little secret for right now, isn't it? No one else is supposed to know yet. But somehow, I think they already know; I'm not as good as you are at keeping secrets, itooshi. And I can't keep my feelings for you off my face.
As I glance over at you quickly, I notice the expression on your face. What's bothering you, I can't help wondering. To anyone else, that expression would just be sullen and unresponsive, but I know you better than anyone else. Something's on your mind.
Like you're always on my mind. It sounds so trite to even think it, but it couldn't be more true. My thoughts of you are constant and unchanging. I love you, forever and ever, itooshi, even after the day I die. You are my one and only. . .
I wonder sometimes how you managed to become such a part of my life. Maybe it was our similar circumstances that created the bond, that we were both orphans of our homelands. I'd never thought to meet someone so much like me in that respect.
In a way, you started out as a pet project in my mind. I wanted to get through that shell of yours and see the real you. And now that I've completed that mission, I'm sometimes surprised at the almost compassionate man I've found.
When did you become more than a project? I wonder about that sometimes while I'm alone and thinking of you. I never can come up with an answer. Sometimes I think it was when you put yourself between me and Mamoru. Other times I think it was when you held me so gently after you found out I was the Moon Princess. There are moments I believe it was when I met our future daughter, Koneko, or when you rescued me from the Dark Kingdom. But I really can't say. I really think it was a gradual change, as I was drawn closer to you and you slowly began to let your guard down around me.
But you only let me see that side of you. Am I reading too much into this, or do you really care for me too?
* * *
How do you always manage to do that? It's uncanny, the way you always know when I'm even just thinking of you.
The look in your eyes. . . You're so sad, angel. I would never have recognized the expression once, but you changed me in that respect.
Do you understand the depths to which you have changed me? You took a creature without a heart, unfit to be in your presence, and created a new man, someone real. I'm not sure how much I like this change, but you, angel, are going to have to put up with what you created.
This time, I'm here to stay, no matter what anyone says.
There's a lot of reasons for my decision. One of which is, I'm almost ashamed to admit, is that I've never been a good loser, and I can't lose you again. I won't lose you again. But another reason is, I can't stand to see you unhappy. I would do anything and everything in my power to keep you happy, ora no tenshi, my angel.
But sometimes, I wonder . . .
* * *
I wonder. . .
* * *
DO YOU LOVE ME TOO?