Yami-mine never sleeps well.  Even when I can feel he's asleep in his soul room, (not that he's ever allowed me in there, of course, but the walls aren't that thick between our rooms) I can still feel it.  He'd never, ever admit to it, especially not to me, but whatever he sees then bothers him.  I mean, it bothers him a lot.  But he's not talking about it; he's not confiding in me, as much as I wish he would.

Yes, I know he's the yami and I'm the hikari and he's supposed to protect me, but I want to protect him from whatever it is that won't let him sleep peacefully whenever he actually manages to go to sleep; sometimes, that is scarily rare.  Those are the times I try to draw him into my soul room where maybe he can rest, even a little bit, even if it's only catnaps caught because he drifts off when we're talking.  Yami-mine isn't exactly one for protracted conversations.  He tries, but it doesn't work; he goes out like a light.

I guess it's good for him, though.  I mean, this way at least he gets some sleep.  I can't touch him, even in the worst of his nightmares, or even look at him for long, but at least he gets some decent sleep.  More than I can say for in his own soul room.  And yami-mine is beautiful when he's asleep and his face is relaxed; I think I fall in love with him again every time I see him like this, as trite as it sounds.

Of course, given that this is yami-mine, I can't go around saying that.  I mean, I don't think he believes in love, much less that anyone - even me - could love him.  I wonder why that is.  I wonder if he'll ever tell me.  I wonder if we'll ever have separate bodies for it to make a difference.

There's a lot of things I wonder about, really, but I guess there's no use worrying on them right now.  I've got him the best way I can, and I'll do everything I can to hold onto him, however he wants me, for as long as he wants me.  Brother, lover, vessel, whatever, I'll be it; I love him enough for that.

But I do wish I knew what troubles him so much, so I could help him be rid of it.  Who knows?  Maybe when he gets his revenge on the Pharaoh, he'll at last find some measure of peace.  I hope.  I pray.  Otherwise, I'm going to hunt down whatever's making him unhappy and kill it a lot.  No matter what - or who - it is.

12 April 2005

I love Tendershippy fics; they're fun to write!  Okay, a little on this one:  I wrote it as a tie-in for "Blind Eyes", the saga I'm writing with Katsuko.  On FFnet and MMorg, it's posted under the joint name of "Dragons of the Moon".